Sunshine and Hurricanes

Smart Parenting with Purpose

  • Mom Life
  • Young Kids
  • Tweens & Teens
  • Technology
    • Apps for Kids – The Ultimate Guide
    • Safety
  • Family Resources
    • Recipes
      • Meal Plans
      • Snacks
      • Dessert
      • Holiday Recipes
    • Travel
      • Florida
      • Disney
    • Savings
      • Monthly Best Buys
    • Holidays
  • Gift Guides
  • About S & H
    • Contact Sunshine and Hurricanes
    • Disclosure Policy
  • Shop

10 Ways To Build A Rock Solid Relationship With Your Teen (or Tween)

By Michelle Myers 17 Comments

  • Facebook
  • Twitter

Parenting a teen (or tween) isn’t easy.

We have certainly heard all the horror stories of defiance, disrespect and general disinterest. But, often such tales of teenage turbulence are wildly exaggerated.   Teens may have a reputation for unsettling their parents and wreaking havoc on family life, but that doesn’t have to be a given. In fact, a majority of families weather the teen years without devastating, long term consequences.

I’ve got one teen at home, but in the next few years, I’ll have THREE plus a tween. In preparation, I’ve been reading and researching about behavior trends and parenting skills from trusted experts (you know, people who actually observe and spend time with teens on a regular basis) to gather up all their best tips.

I’ve noticed that there are 10 tips that keep reappearing, which tells me that they’ve got some staying power.

 

Although not an exhaustive list, these 10 ideas can be part of your parenting strategy as your kids enter the teen years and will help you navigate these new waters. There is no magic formula that guarantees positive results.  Fantastic parents can still have a child that rebels and struggles, while less than stellar parenting can produce amazing adolescents. I’m sure you can think of  examples of both in your life.

Just remember that there are NO perfect parents or children, but there are tons of really great ones. Here are some ways to help bring the best out of both of you.  

10 Ways To Create a Rock Solid Relationship With Your Teen

Take An Interest In Their Interests

This might seem pretty obvious, especially if you have a younger child right now. Many kids tend to start by sharing in the same interests as their parents.  But as they grow and mature, kids begin to pursue their own passions, which may differ from what a parent is passionate about.My teen loves all things theater; Broadway musicals, fine arts, even Opera. These are not areas that my husband naturally gravitates towards or has a lot of knowledge about, but he has made an effort to learn more so he can engage in conversations with her about the things that she is involved with and really loves.

Choose Your Battles

This one applies at all stages of parenting, but it is especially important during the teen years. Let go of things that don’t have a long term impact on your child, like the cut/color of their hair, the often outlandish things they say, or even some of the questionable fashion choices they make. If you are constantly dictating what they can or can’t do on every front, you weaken your overall authority and their resepct for you.  You may find your kids are afraid to come to you about things and that they start lying or being outright defiant.

A more productive strategy is to allow them  more freedom on things that aren’t as important, so that when you have to say “NO” it means something to them.

Employ Other Adults

We all want our kids to come to us with their problems and worries, and it might be difficult to imagine encouraging them to confide in someone else. Surround your teen with other adults you trust so that when difficulties arise, there is an adult besides a parent to confide in. This can be extended family members, coaches, or even fellow parents of teens. Many times, having the option to talk something out with an adult other than mom or dad can be pretty freeing and remove the threat of overreaction that parents sometimes experience.

We let my daughter know there were three other women that we had faith in to provide sound guidance) she could always go to if she didn’t want to come to us with questions or issues. Often, another source giving the same counsel you might is more impactful because they’re not the parent. Definitely a better solution than soliciting advice from her peers.

How to Build a Rock Solid Relationship with your Teen (or Tween). SunshineandHurricanes.com

Emphasize The Importance of The Little Things

Teach your kids to be observant of everyone’s behavior. A boy isn’t respectful to his mom, he won’t be respectful to your daughter. A girl who is constantly sarcastic or demeaning to her dad will act that way to your son. Let your teens know that you’re watching their (and their peers) behavior with supervision to determine how much time they’ll have without supervision. Knowing that a parent can trust a teen with small things, like keeping up with household chores or schoolwork, equals trust in bigger things, like borrowing the car or setting a curfew time.

Trust is difficult to build but easy to destroy, a good point for them to understand from the beginning.

Related:Why I Don’t Always Trust My Good Kid To Make Good Decisions

Be Specific When Setting Boundaries

If your child is going to a movie with friends, be crystal clear in your expectations: that they’re viewing the agreed upon showing and then being picked up 90 minutes later at the agreed upon restaurant. Letting them out of the car and saying, “See ya’ at 10pm” is open to a variety of interpretations about what your expectations are versus what they heard. When the boundaries are definite, there isn’t room for teen interpretation of schedules, like “There weren’t any good seats left at that showing so we just walked around and then we weren’t hungry so we went to Starbucks and hung out instead of the movie and dinner we said we’d do”.

As a parent, you have a right to know where your teens are, having them honor their word in small things, once again, leads to bigger things.

Let Them FAIL!

This one seems especially difficult for modern parents. Forgotten term papers, misplaced items, or missed deadlines are things all kids need to experience during these years. When parents constantly rescue their teens from the natural consequences of life they’re actually harming their child’s development. Learning to deal with failure, disappointment, and coping skills create resilience, responsibility, and adaptability. By removing obstacles or covering irresponsible behavior, parents unintentionally communicate that their teen isn’t capable of responsibility and needs an adult to straighten kinks out in a given situation.

Think about your own life, the lessons that stuck with you the most are the ones that you learned via experience, so let your teens feel the sting of failure.

Show Grace In Unexpected Situations

Don’t confuse this one with the “rescue” we talked about earlier. Showing grace isn’t something that appears in every situation with your teen; negative consequences are part of life and enforcing them helps teach appropriate behavior. Grace is giving a pardon even though an undesirable outcome is warranted. If your daughter has been responsible about unloading the dishwasher but forgets that day, instead of doling out the usual consequence(like no TV that evening), offer grace instead. If she frequently forgets, it’s not a place to offer grace, because she hasn’t shown responsibility in that area.

Everyone makes mistakes, perfection is not the goal, and this is one way to communicate that.

Never Demean Your Teen

Talking down to and belittling anyone isn’t appropriate behavior. If that is what you’re modeling, there’s a pretty good assumption that’s what you’re going to experience in your teen relationships. Lording authority, humiliating in public or private, and overusing sarcasm can all harm an adolescent’s psyche and destroy the trust placed in an adult.

Telling a kid they’re a miserable failure isn’t motivation for behavior change but definitely fertile grounds for rebellion.

If At All Possible, BE THERE!

They may act like they don’t care if you come to their games, performances, or award ceremonies but it does matter. Just because they’ve gotten taller doesn’t mean their need for support has grown smaller. You easily dismiss a lot of their crazy comments, so throw this in that category as well. Your presence matters, regardless of what they may say.

Stay involved, show interest, participate in their lives.

How to Build a Rock Solid Relationship wit Your Teen or Tween. SunshineandHurricanes.com

Don’t Give Up On Them

There will be rough patches, times that you’re ready to throw in the towel and pretty much wish that college would come sooner so they’d get the heck out of your house. BUT,  take a breath. Remember those newborn days with the nonstop crying and no sleep? You were overwhelmed and exhausted and felt like quitting, but you hung in there. Find that place of courage again and keep going. Hope, believe, and continue to do the right thing, no one on this earth loves your child as much as you do and your teen need to know you’ll always be there.

You can’t abolish the consequences of their actions but you can walk through those difficulties alongside them.

For more ideas about parenting teens, be sure to see our posts:

Other Posts About Raising Tweens/Teens:

How to Talk to Kids About Sex

Cell Phone Rules For Tweens and Teens

The Real Truth Parents Need to Know About Tweens, Teens, and Texting Acronyms

 

What would you add to this list, any tips for building good relationships with teens?

Join Our Mailing List

We send out our blog posts by email--join today and receive a free SMART Parenting Printable as a Thank You gift! Your email is never sold or shared.

Filed Under: Tweens and Teens Tagged With: parenting, Relationships, teens, Tweens

About Michelle Myers

Michelle Myers is mom to four kiddos ranging from elementary thru high school, each with strong opinions and a flair for the dramatic. In other words, they're a lot like her. Former educator and lover of learning, she divides her time between carpool and Starbucks by reading voraciously and giving TED talks to herself at red lights. A Floridian for almost 40 years, Michelle loves the beach, making people laugh, and date nights with her hubby of 25 years...and yeas, they clearly married at age 7.
Facebook/Instagram/Pinterest/Twitter

« 10 Fun and Meaningful Back To School Traditions for Your Family
Back To School Clothes for Kids at Kohl’s – BIG Style, BIG Savings »

Comments

  1. Paige says

    July 4, 2018 at 8:28 am

    How can I connect with my 14 year old
    And still get him to clean up after
    Himself and do chores?

    Reply
    • Kira Lewis says

      July 4, 2018 at 3:36 pm

      Connecting with our kids isn’t the same as always being at peace with them. Relationships with our teens will ebb and flow and sometimes we are the bad guys instead of their friends. But by bad guys it means setting boundaries, enforcing rules, teaching them to be a contributing member of a family and life skills. That isn’t always fun for our kids and sometimes they’ll push back. But when we communicate our expectations and consistently enforce our rules and boundaries in most cases they become the foundation for connecting. Believe it or not our kids feel safer and appreciate when we make their worlds predictable and when they have rules. For example, our kids know there are times for “fun” and “connecting” like Friday pizza and movie nights, but they also know that generally Saturday mornings are for family weekly chores and until their done no other “fun” weekend activities get to happen. If you want a little more guidance, check out the book 7 Habits for Highly Effective Families or Love and Logic for Teens. Our kids are not always going to like us. They get mad when we say “no” or enforce rules or make them clean up their room, but that is our job and deep down they know it and know when we hold our lines that we are loving them.

      Reply
  2. Jen Hanni says

    March 17, 2018 at 12:25 am

    What a GREAT post!!!! I love every bit of it… especially not demeaning, encouraging, let them fail, and setting boundaries. I have six kids… four of them teenagers… and this advice is FABULOUS! Keep up the GREAT work!

    Reply
  3. Amanda says

    January 7, 2018 at 7:55 am

    I was just spending time with my friend’s two step-daughters, and they really bonded with me in just one day because I actually spent time with them and asked them questions about their life.
    I think many parents forget how important just listening and being interested is. All you have to do is make your kids feel like they’re really important and be interested in their lives.
    A great way to bond is by learning together too… here’s a cool site: http://www.preparemykid.com

    Reply
  4. christina says

    September 1, 2017 at 4:10 am

    Always spend time with them everyday if possible…They are not infants anymore…Be the shoulder to cry on…My daughter and I have a we will talk about anything realationship..no mom getting mad..But offering her choices….For instance i gave her ,or added her to manage her own child support card..She saves and chooses what she need to use it for most!! Im proud of her shes 11 and can save better than me!! Love them dont lecture! Thank you for this oppurtunity to share ☺

    Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Tips for keeping your teen driver safe - Tales From Home says:
    September 2, 2020 at 11:44 am

    […] Bonus tip: Often teens drink and drive because they’re too embarrassed to call their parents to tell them they’re drunk. Let your teen know that no matter what alcoholic state they’re in or where they are, you will come and collect them without judgment. As long as they don’t drink and drive! Focus on building a strong relationship with your teen.  […]

    Reply
  2. Why I’m NOT Counting The Summers We Have Left says:
    June 3, 2019 at 4:42 pm

    […] 10 Ways To Build A Rock Solid Relationship With Your Teen (or Tween) […]

    Reply
  3. I Never Expected The Teenage Years To Be This Exhausting says:
    February 16, 2018 at 4:05 pm

    […] 10 Ways To Build A Rock Solid Relationship With Your Teen (or Tween) […]

    Reply
  4. Want To Get Your Teen To Talk To You? Ask These Surprising Questions. says:
    January 10, 2018 at 1:24 pm

    […] 10 Ways To Build A Rock Solid Relationship With Your Teen (or Tween) […]

    Reply
  5. Why I Don't Always Trust My Good Kid To Make Good Decisions says:
    August 2, 2017 at 3:18 pm

    […] 10 Ways To Build A Rock Solid Relationship With Your Teen (or Tween) […]

    Reply
  6. 5 Ways to Build an Unbreakable Mother Daughter Relationship with Your Tween or Teen says:
    July 12, 2017 at 11:08 am

    […] 10 Ways To Build A Rock Solid Relationship With Your Teen (or Tween) […]

    Reply
  7. 10 Tween Chores Your Middle Schooler Needs For Survival says:
    April 25, 2017 at 10:56 am

    […] 10 Ways To Build A Rock Solid Relationship With Your Teen (or Tween) […]

    Reply
  8. 5 Surefire Ways to Soothe Surly Tweens and Teens says:
    February 21, 2017 at 10:55 am

    […] 10 Ways To Build A Rock Solid Relationship With Your Teen (or Tween) […]

    Reply
  9. The Surprising Thing To Say To Keep Your Big Kid From Growing Up Too Fast says:
    February 2, 2017 at 5:50 pm

    […] 10 Ways To Build A Rock Solid Relationship With Your Teen (or Tween) […]

    Reply
  10. Why I Don't Believe in Tweens says:
    January 24, 2017 at 11:24 am

    […] 10 Ways To Build A Rock Solid Relationship With Your Teen (or Tween) […]

    Reply
  11. Teaching Empathy To Older Kids With Books says:
    January 16, 2017 at 12:00 pm

    […] it becomes harder to find those moments. We have to be intentional and selective in the ways we build our relationships with them and also make sure that we really talk with them, rather than lecture […]

    Reply
  12. Why I'm Not Excited School Is Starting says:
    August 9, 2016 at 5:43 pm

    […] 10 Ways To Build A Rock Solid Relationship With Your Teen (or Tween) […]

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

  • Facebook
  • Google+
  • Instagram
  • Pinterest
  • RSS
  • Twitter
Hi There! We’re Michelle and Kira, two Florida moms who know that parenting is full of sunshine and hurricanes. So glad you are here. >>>LEARN MORE





POPULAR POSTS

  • The Importance of Chores for Children (Printable Chore Chart)
    The Importance of Chores for Children (Printable Chore Chart)
  • I Never Expected The Teenage Years To Be This Exhausting
    I Never Expected The Teenage Years To Be This Exhausting
  • Easter Basket Ideas For Tweens and Teens -No They're NOT Too Big
    Easter Basket Ideas For Tweens and Teens -No They're NOT Too Big
  • Disrespectful Teens or Tweens - 5 Effective Ways to End the Attitude Today!
    Disrespectful Teens or Tweens - 5 Effective Ways to End the Attitude Today!
  • 10 Alternatives to Birthday Party Goody Bags That Aren't Junk
    10 Alternatives to Birthday Party Goody Bags That Aren't Junk

Pinterest

Follow Sunshine and Hurricanes Best of S&H on Pinterest.

INSTAGRAM

Truth • • • #truth #parentingtips #parenting Truth
•
•
•
#truth #parentingtips #parentingkids #momlife
One & the same ☕️ (via @fowllanguagecomics )
•
•
•
#momhumor #funnymom #raisingkids #littleones #lovemykids #momlife
Never doubt that (via @michelle.merenda ) • • Never doubt that (via @michelle.merenda )
•
•
•
#parentingkids #parentingteens #raisinglittleones #momsofinstagram #momlife
We all had a playroom growing up...it was called o We all had a playroom growing up...it was called outside
*
*
*
#momhumor #parentingwithpurpose #raisingkids
Ever wonder what to say when your child is feeling Ever wonder what to say when your child is feeling left out?  A few years ago, I watched from my park bench as a young mother tried to console her sobbing daughter. “I’m sorry, honey. I don’t blame you for being upset.”  “I don’t know why they won’t let me be in their group for the talent show. They just said they already had enough people and their routine was done and there wasn’t anything they could do about it. I told them I would make a new one up, but they wouldn’t do it.”  I tried to focus on my kindle while occasionally looking for my kids to exit the school door. But as much as I tried not to eavesdrop, I had to admit I was interested to hear how the mom would handle this all-too-common situation of a child feeling left out.  “Well, they’re probably just jealous of you honey, because you are such a good gymnast and they aren’t. They probably don’t want you in their group because you’ll show them up,” the mom stated matter-of-factly. “You should do a solo routine. Or maybe one with Chloe.”  “You think?” the girl replied, her tears slowing down. “You think they’re just jealous of my tumbling?”  “Totally.”  Several minutes passed before my girls came out, but the interaction between the mother and daughter stuck with me for a lot longer.  Maybe the girls were jealous, or maybe they honestly had their routine finished.  To continue reading check the link in bio.
Repeat after me! * * * #momsofinstagram #parenting Repeat after me!
*
*
*
#momsofinstagram #parentingkids #raisingkids #momsofinstagram
Where did all of our money go?? * * * #momhumor #r Where did all of our money go??
*
*
*
#momhumor #raisingkids #funnymom #momofinstagram #momsofinstagram #momlife
Instagram post 17870490628965807 Instagram post 17870490628965807
This is an awesome way to keep track of height * * This is an awesome way to keep track of height
*
*
*
#cleverparents #parentingwithpurpose #momlife #momsofinstagram
Follow on Instagram

Copyright © 2021 · PRIVACY POLICY · Website by Moritz Fine Designs LLC

Copyright © 2021 · Tasteful Theme on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in

  • 3221
Join our mailing list today and we'll send a free thank you gift!
×
×
Join our Mailing List Today!

Love our tech for parents series, mom advice, recipes and fun ideas? Join our list today and receive a weekly digest of our blog posts, delivered directly to your inbox. Plus, we'll also send you a free SMART Parenting Printable as a Thank You!

 (Your email is never sold or shared.)