We hear it all the time, “These kids today are growing up too fast.”
There are days when we all definitely feel this way. It seems like we blink and suddenly go from pacifiers, mickey mouse playhouse and that sweet baby smell to minecraft, begging to watch PG13 movies and a certain stank coming from our the rooms of our growing boys.
For a long time, I believed it was the outside world pushing kids to act and behave older than they should, and it was my job to try and help mine maintain their childhood just a little bit longer.
Then what started as a typical email exchange with a friend completely changed my perspective on my role in all this and the power of one simple word “tweens”.
The Word I Never Questioned
When my oldest child was close to his 10th Birthday, I began saying fairly regularly and with just a little bit of dread, that he was nearing the “tween” years. I didn’t really think much about using the term, it basically felt like I was just accepting a natural addition to the vocabulary of 21st century parenting. So, when I emailed a friend and used the term to hassle her a bit about her own ten-year-old daughter, I was caught off guard when she emailed back the following response.
“I don’t believe in ‘tweens’, So, I figure I’m good for a few years.”
I thought to myself, “What?! What does she mean she doesn’t believe in ‘tweens’?” As I let her comment sink in over the next few days, I began to wonder more about the nuances of this little word. Clearly, it was meant to describe that awkward and awful stage between childhood and teen.
However, I also began to realize that perhaps there was more loaded into the definition beyond the obvious. Why had this entirely new stage of adolescent development emerged in recent years? I confess I thought maybe it was a Disney invention, since it seemed to be most closely associated with an evolution of some of their television programming.
After awhile I couldn’t resist emailing my friend back and asking her to explain further. Here is how she responded:
“I think sometimes by labeling an age, we give it more importance than it deserves. And maybe give too much leeway for bad behavior. Is she different then she was in kindergarten? Yes. But does this stage deserve its own label? Eh.. I feel like ‘tween’ is just a big marketing ploy to make us think they are different creatures with different needs.”
The Evolution of “Tweens”
Ding, Ding, Ding.
Bells were ringing in my head as I read her response. My friend was TOTALLY right. And no wonder I had made the connection between “tween” and Disney. Almost overnight, an entire industry of television shows, books, and other products targeted to “tweens” had become pervasive in our culture. Even worse, “tween” territory has been continually expanding to take in younger and younger kids each year.
The minute your child has grown beyond Mickey Mouse and Dora The Explorer, it’s immediately time to shift to Jessie, Austin and Ally and Teen Beach Movie. You know what, Dora is a sweet preschooler with a back pack who sings songs and hangs out with her animal friends. These other shows feature teenagers that look and dress like models, date, worry about popularity and in some cases actually are the adults on the show.
When did seven become the new seventeen?
A Tween by Any Other Name is Still a Kid
It’s not that we want to keep our children little forever or raise them in some sort of bubble. However, with each day that passes we all become painfully aware of how short their childhood really is. So, it’s hard to understand why in our age of helicopter parenting, we have so easily allowed a simple label like “tween” to increasingly chip away at those precious years, months, and days.
My friend may be on to something with her approach. The reality is, whether they are seven or seventeen and whatever label you put on those ages, they are still kids, and it should be us, their parents, not today’s modern marketing machine dictating what is appropriate.
Plus, as quickly as this time is going by, we probably all would admit it would be really nice to be “good for a few more years.”
Looking for more about tweens?
10 Ways To Build A Rock Solid Relationship With Your Teen (or Tween)
Suggested Reading for Middle Schoolers
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Interesting points. Totally agree that they are all kids at the end of the day. I do think, though, that they have different needs at different ages, which require shifts in our parenting, and the term “tween” acknowledges one of those shifts, just as most of our education system does with elementary, middle, and high schools. “Tween” is just easier to say than “middle schooler.” I do see it as a middle school age, and Merriam-Webster defines it as a child around 11-12, so I agree that the spread to younger and younger kids isn’t right. (To be honest, I’ve never loved the term “tween” but it is so pretty accurate, as that they are in between so very much – one day they seem little and one day they seem big, in ways that kindergarteners and high school seniors do not.)
I *loathe* this term. My son will be 10 in January and the other day my husband said (in response to a behavior issue we are dealing with) “We are raising tweens now” and I thought “I reject that.” There was no such thing as the term teens/teenagers until the government mandated that they go to school through 12th grade — up until then there were children, then there were adults. Depending on how much work your family had to do on the farms depended on when your child entered adulthood (so between 12–14). I’m not saying it’s bad to identify with where kids are developmentally, but I feel another label just gives them (& us) and excuse for allowing poor behavior & choices. And also spinning them in a negative context. “Terrible two’s” “Tween” “Dreaded Teenage Years” — parenting is hard enough; how about injecting some positive into it!! It’s not all bad!!
I do agree with you that the word “tween” was developed as a marketing ploy of sorts but I disagree that there is an age where the word does not have its merits. I don’t think that you should use it as a reason to excuse bad behavior but for a girl that gets her first cycle at 10 still being called a kid can be tough. Her body is growing and her hormones are raging she is technically not a kid anymore but also not a teenager when people deem it appropriate to discuss things like that. I don’t think you should be using it in everyday conversation but maybe just with her. With maturity hitting younger and younger I think having another word for the stage is simply a way to acknowledge to your child you recognize they are growing up.
Wow. I had never thought of it that way but it makes sense. All marketing to get parents to spend more money! The longer kids can stay kids the better!
I don’t even have kids and I agree!! I hate labeling people and putting them into a box, especially kids of any age!!
I agree with your friend as well. It is also remarkable, in my opinion, that “tween” is highly associated with girls. As a mother of boys, I don’t think I have ever heard anyone describe their sons as “tweens”. Thanks for the insight. 😉
I totally agree with your friend. When we label our kids with terms like “tweens”, society’s expectation of them changes and ours as well. When the respond like children, we are prone to be disappointed or upset because we have started viewing them as adults. I say give them the freedom to be children at each age until they become responsible adults.
Thanks so much for your great comments! I couldn’t agree more! You raise an especially strong point about our expectations being in line with their age. I catch myself having that problem all the time and I have to remind myself, “Hey, they are only x years old.”
I’ve had one go through the “tweens” so far, and my ds11, I guess, is in the middle of it. Yes, he’s older than his younger siblings, but he’s still a kid. He’s light years away from where my 18 year old is now.
I’ve never thought about it as a marketing ploy, but that totally makes sense! My kids are 8 and 11, which I think is considered “tweens.” I really feel like they’re at an age where they still behave/think like kids, but I constantly have to deflect teen subject matter. They don’t care about fashion, or Facebook, or those Disney shows, but their friends do.